Azerbaijan: Sitting on enormous oil reserves from the Caspian Sea and benefiting from a recently opened pipeline to distribute it, this country has hit upon some good times. On the streets of the capital city, Baku, everything was as relaxed as could be. "Everyone who wants a job has one," said one lifelong Baku resident through a translator. "If anyone isn't working, it's because they don't want to."

Construction is everywhere; it's out of control. The whole city is undergoing a facelift which is expected to go on until 2010. I encountered only a small number of people begging for money, and the few children who were looking for handouts could be shooed away quite easily. Oh, and how wonderful it was to see the well-dressed youth of a city walking arm-in-arm actually talking to each other instead of tuning out the world in that retarded, self-loving iPod-trance.

Azerbaijan in the news: If nothing else, you should know about these four events:

1. The southwest part of the country is an Armenian-occupied region called Nagorno-Karabakh. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, a brutal civil war took place between Azerbaijan and Armenia. There has been a shaky treaty since 1994 with Azerbaijan looking at an occupation of about 14% of their territory. The future of this area is uncertain. What is certain is that you will offend people if you say "Armenia" or "Nagorno-Karabakh" while visiting here.

2. The United States has long maintained that Iran and North Korea are nuclear threats. The U.S. also believes that a missile-defense radar station in the Czech Republic and Poland will help counter that threat. However, the strengthened and confident President Vladimir Putin of Russia says, "No way!" He sees the proposal as a threat to his own country and promised to point missiles at Europe to even the score. Nevertheless, as a compromise, he suggested the U.S. work together with the Russians at an existing radar station in Azerbaijan. The U.S. has investigated the offer but doesn't think the location and the facility are adequate. Now with North Korea being more cooperative, and the recently released intelligence report stating that Iran had abandoned their nuclear ambitions in 2003, it's going to be an uphill battle to convince anyone that the Czech, Poland or Azerbaijan missile-defense stations will be needed at all.

3. In October 2007, authorities thwarted a terrorist plot to cause massive destruction at the American and British embassies in Baku.

4. Azerbaijan is rapidly developing a reputation as being a bad place to practice the profession of journalism. The most recent case involves the jailing of a Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty journalist who was reporting human-rights abuses in the exclave of Naxçivan.

Why go to Azerbaijan? I will let the shop signs of Baku state the case...

Single men, listen up! This year, there's no need to go to smutty

,

boiling-hot

,

or overrated

.

Come instead to AZERBAIJAN for an above

experience! Here's how you can spend your day. First you can visit the

,

then afterwards you can relax at an outdoor cafe and have some

.

Our state-of-the-art movie theater is currently featuring the critically acclaimed

starring Ray Winstone. In the evening you will be sure to find some

with beautiful, Azerbaijani women named

,
,
,

and

.

OK...maybe not

.

Don't forget to stop for a snack at the world-famous

.

Just remember, we take crime very seriously here, so if you break the law, be sure not to leave any

.

We are looking forward to your visit in 2008!

My Experience in Azerbaijan: I have only positive things to say about this place. Well, the US$100 visa fee for Americans is a little overboard, but at least you can pay that "entrance fee" at the airport.

I stayed at the only hostel in the entire nation: the 1000 Camels Hostel. It's not listed in the Lonely Planet guidebook, because it was published in 2004, which means the information was likely gathered in 2002, which means it's basically as useful as used toilet paper. A traveler I met last year told me that when a border-control officer found his copy, he was forced to wait while the officer crossed out every reference he considered offensive to Azerbaijan or stated that Nagorno-Karabakh was under Armenian control. LP is supposedly publishing an updated version of this guide sometime soon.

The 1000 Camels hostel was a phenomenal budget accommodation. In the small living room was a mid-nineties computer with a 56k dial up modem that was somehow amazingly fast. For US$20, the 1000 Camels was clearly a winner, not just because it had heat and hot water, but because the location was great and the manager was one of the most helpful hostel operators I have ever met. His English was limited, but he did everything humanly possible to help me out. I was unable to buy a train ticket, because the nasty women at the station simply refused to deal with me. With him by my side the transaction took 30 seconds. Long live Baxlul!

There were only a few people staying at the hostel: a guy waiting for the boat to Kazakhstan, a laid-back American guy who spoke Russian, and a couple girls who rolled in right before I left. The irony about this place was its location in a dark alley along the wall of the five-star Meridian Hotel where rooms start at US$180/night and go up to about US$400. The 18% sales tax alone on the Meridian's cheapest room is US$32. I paid US$20/night. Tell that to Matt Gross, the so-called "Frugal Traveler" of The New York Times whose job is to figure out how to burn through US$500 on a weekend excluding airfare and transfers.

The only American fast food I could find was the McDonald's in Fountain Square. There were loads of other restaurants in all categories. I ate at one Turkish restaurant where the waiter took my bottle of Fanta away with the last half-inch of soda still sitting at the bottom. He had been pouring it into my glass up until that point, which leads me to believe that if he does this to enough people every night, he gets to enjoy a free bottle of orange soda.

There were also plenty of expat joints to get good food and beer. I wandered into one particularly busy one to get a cold Corona. The place was loaded with women. Specifically Russian women. More specifically Russian women looking to make some money off of horny foreigners. The moment my ass hit the barstool one of them immediately asked me, "You want girl?" I pointed to all the men in the room who in my view were probably oil workers. "They've got the money," I said. She eventually gave up. The girl on my left was more low-key. She told me that she made US$250 month at her day job and worked occasional nights for a better lifestyle. It must be paying off. Her outfit alone was worth more than her monthly income.

One poor chump who had just gotten into town clearly wasn't thinking. No, it wasn't me this time. Here's the story: I was walking through the main square one morning when I heard a voice behind me. "Do you speak English?" he yelled in a British accent. I figured he wanted directions or maybe to know where I was from. That's usually the case. Instead, I got a whole song and dance about how he was a subcontractor for BP (the company that owns 30% of the oil pipeline), he was new to town, he met a girl, they went to a sauna, she spiked his drink, he passed out, and he woke up with his watch and wallet gone.

Now first of all, I have asked a lot of fellow travelers for help and they have bailed me out of some serious binds. I also have a policy of helping out others whenever possible and have done this over the years with loans, gifts, advice, etc. However, while his story was 100% believable, the rotten-toothed man telling it simply wasn't. He was staying at an apartment near the Hyatt and had absolutely no idea where it was. I didn't know where the Hyatt was either, because I had just arrived 18 hours ago, but I sure as hell knew how to get back to the 1000 Camels. I offered him my map; he wasn't interested in seeing it.

He was asking me too many questions. How long had I been here? Could I lend him money and meet him later at McDonald's for him to pay it back? He needed to cancel his credit cards. I kept thinking, "There are better people to help this guy than me." This dude probably earned more in a week than I make in a month. He arrived in Baku and fucked up within ten minutes. If he was telling the truth, I wanted him to figure this one out for himself. It wasn't life or death; I walked away.

I have to say, I spent the rest of the day pondering his situation. It wouldn't have killed me to give him money for a taxi. I just kept thinking he should have seen this one coming. He should have had a backup plan. And if he asked 10 people for 20 bucks, then he just made 200 bucks for being a good bullshitter. I guess I'll contribute to his future by filling up my gas tank when I get home.

The Museum of Literature's facade features statues of Azerbaijan's most famous literary writers.

Nearly everyone in Baku dresses entirely in black -- or all black with blue jeans.

At a small number of ATMs, the lines get incredibly long, while at most others
there is not a soul to be found. It's a phenomenon that's common in this region.

The Dom Soviet building was the government headquarters during Soviet times.

Many construction sites are surrounded by beautiful, decorative walls.

The Milli Bank building is near the train station. Modern
skyscrapers amidst older buildings are a common sight in Baku.

Daily macaroni delivery

No, it's not the ABC network's Baku bureau. It's a CD/DVD shop.

Does Pepsi now come in 6 colorful, frozen flavors?

If Gillian Gibbons owned this restaurant she would have named it (censored).

Dalin the diabetic duck struggles to get down the stairs in Fountain Square.

Opening soon: "The museum of the dial-up telephone" ??

An American wearing a Soviet hat infiltrates the souvenir stands of Baku.
Did I buy the hat? No way! I'm not going to be another Roxana Contreras!

Roxana Contreras, a University of Missouri doctoral student, was on her way
back to St. Louis after spending more than two months detained in Russia over
what she thought were souvenirs, her thesis adviser said by e-mail. In June (2007),
she was accused of trying to smuggle out of the country contraband, which amounted
to old currency and Soviet Army medals that she had bought from a street vendor
and which investigators appraised at just over $20. On Friday, a court threw out
the contraband charge on the old money but ordered her to pay a $600 fine for the
medals. She escaped a possible sentence of seven years in prison.
-- New York Times (September 6, 2007)