Hats off to Larry ! YEREVAN, ARMENIA

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YEREVAN, ARMENIA

DECEMBER 2007

The statue Sasuntsi Davit (David of Susan) is in front of Yerevan's train station
His claim to fame is that he drove Arabic invaders out of Armenia.

Armenia: For a country with sworn enemies to the east and west, Armenia is filled with some damn nice people. The capital city, Yerevan, will never win any beauty contests, but with a lot of people speaking basic English, and a wide variety of services and restaurants are available, I could have stayed for a month and been perfectly happy. Overall, things here are headed in the right direction. "Armenians really want to be a first-world country," said an informed friend over drinks, "They just don't know how to do it."

Armenia in the news: Armenians have very strong feelings about the following topics. Don't bring these subjects up, and if you're dragged into a debate, it would be wise not to take the opposing view. I chatted with an aid worker who said that if you offend an Armenian, they may very well not speak to you again.

1. The 1915 - 1918 Genocide: Armenians were expelled from the Ottoman Empire (now Turkey) during WWI. The high estimate is a million and a half of them were exterminated along the way. Armenia wants the world to acknowledge this tragedy. The U.S. hasn't done so, because we missed our window of opportunity, and our friendship with Turkey is on the line. Turkey argues that the deaths were simply casualties of war.

In October, 2007, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who is from California (which has the largest Armenian-American community) wanted to introduce a House resolution for the U.S. to officially acknowledge this event as a genocide -- a thoughtful gesture on her part, but with really bad timing. Why? Turkey is providing crucial assistance in the war in Iraq. After her suggestion, Turkey briefly yanked their ambassador and threatened to stop all assistance. It's all moot, because she quietly changed her mind and the topic has returned to the back burner. This issue is the main reason there is currently no U.S. Ambassador in Armenia.

2. The border with Turkey is closed. Mount Ararat, where Noah's Ark landed and on a clear day looms over Yerevan, is physically located in Southeast Turkey. Armenians believe Mt. Ararat is theirs and part of "Western Armenia." Their enormous Ararat brandy factory further solidifies this belief. I met a guy living in Armenia who hiked up Mt. Ararat. It took him more than 14 hours to get to a mountain that's within shouting distance, because he had to go via Georgia. Don't tell an Armenian that Mt. Ararat is in Turkey; you might get hit over the head with a brandy bottle.

3. In the Harry Potter series, Lord Voldemort is called "You-know-who" or "He-who-must-not-be-named." In Armenia I suggest you refer to Azerbaijan "you-know-where" or "that-country-which-must-not-be-named." This is a deep-rooted hatred. Some foreigners living here think another war over Nagorno-Karabakh is not out of the question. Just what the world needs...another war over a mountainous scrap of real estate.

My favorite Armenian-Americans:

Eric Bogosian - Like Armenia, Eric wants to be a first-class actor, but just doesn't know how to do it.

Jack Kevorkian - Now out on parole, Dr. Death is knocking on death's door.

Kirk Kerkorian - The busnessman whose net worth of US$18 billion is more than the entire GDP of Armenia.

Robert and Kim Kardashian - O.J. Simpson's friend died of cancer in 2003; I vote we banish his obnoxious daughter to the cold mountains of Nagorno-Karabakh.

J.S. Hovnanian - Bringing McMansions to America!

Gokor Chivichyan - Judo superstar!

My favorite anecdotes told to me by various people living in Armenia:

A local medical worker gave CPR to a woman even though she was screaming. Eventually she stopped screaming, because the person trying to save her life killed her.

A local man was repairing his vehicle on an icy mountain road. He was underneath it and forgot to put on the emergency brake. His belt got caught on something, and the vehicle began to slide off the cliff taking him with it. People on a passing bus who had stopped to help him tried to pull him out. Just as the vehicle went off the cliff, his belt broke off and his life was spared in the nick of time.

One foreign worker installed wireless Internet to an entire building in a remote village. That same village did not even have clean running water.

Women are very traditional. A common expression used is "men are the head and women are the neck."

An eighty-year-old man was shown a zoomed-in satellite photo of his home on a computer. The man fraked out, ran outside, and looked toward the sky for what was watching him.

Armenia is landlocked, so they call their one large lake (Sevan), "the sea".

A foreigner got giardia six times from the drinking water in the town with the nation's largest water-bottling facility.

Two men got into an argument. They met later out in the street, removed their belts, and began beating each other with them.

Some people are afraid of those who have mental and physical disabilities. They worry they are contagious, so they won't touch them.

There's an expression among foreigners here. "In Armenia, every fart's a gamble." I don't know about you, but with me that seems to be true wherever I am.

My Experience in Armenia: Nothing but kudos from me. I highly recommended it for adventurous people who are curious about the world-at-large.

Hey, good news, backpackers! Armenian visas are available at land borders. Well, it wasn't good news for me, because I had recently been in "that-country-which-must-not-be-named" and had the visa in my passport to prove it. The official Armenian policy is "we'll look the other way." The unofficial policy is that the soldier at the Georgia/Armenia border didn't care about the official policy. "Why did you go to Azerbaijan??" he yelled at me. A large number of Mormon missionaries watched this event unfold. Fortunately, their leader spoke English and Armenian and diffused the crisis. My marshrutka (minibus) driver wasn't putting up with this nonsense either; I already held everyone up for twenty minutes. It all worked out, but for a moment, I honestly thought I wasn't getting in.

Look both ways...twice: All developing countries tend to have maniacal drivers, but in Yerevan the problem is particularly bad. Because of the wanton recklessness, pedestrians have to be extraordinarily careful here. It doesn't matter if the light is green; it doesn't matter if you are in a crosswalk; it doesn't even matter if you are standing in front of a moving car. As a pedestrian, you simply don't exist. To make matters worse, you could be crossing a six lane road with Mr. Green Man beckoning you to go ahead. Then he flashes quickly a couple times and becomes Mr. Red Man -- exactly at the same time the light for the opposing traffic turns green. Goodbye to you. This is probably the single biggest threat to your health while in Armenia.

Exchange Rates: This country should be one of the best bargains in the world, but the decline of the dollar has changed Armenia from being a ridiculous bargain to simply a bargain. Foreigners say that 18 months ago, you could buy 500 drams per dollar; now you barely get 300. That's a huge drop. It means your US$6 souvenir is now a US$10 souvenir. Some trinket sellers claimed the government is aggravating the problem by pushing up the price of the dram as a way to make money. Another rumor is that Russia is paying Armenians working there in dollars, and the flood of U.S. currency coming back to the country has a negative effect. I can't verify any of this, but at street level, my visit cost at least double what it should have.

Envoy Hostel: The only hostel in Armenia; possibly the best one in the world. Opened by two Australians who have obviously stayed in enough bad hostels to give them their amazing vision of what a shared accommodation is supposed to be. I am not exaggerating when I say there is nothing more they could so to make this place better. Don't worry about the 7-minute shower rule due to the water shortage. Ration your minutes by skipping two days and taking a 21-minute shower on the third. US$20/night.

Good Yerevan Eats: You're never far from home with these hits...

City Diner: The only full service American restaurant in Armenia. A friend told me this place nearly blew up a couple weeks ago when a gas line leaked. I'm glad it didn't. The entire experience is centered around a U.S. license plate theme including the menus, seat covers, walls, and the aprons on the wait staff. Bonus: The check is 100% correct with the 10% gratuity clearly marked as such. That kind of transparency is not always so easy to find in developing countries.

Yum Yum Donuts: The only donut shop in Armenia. I know! I couldn't believe it either. With real American coffee, except the cup is 75% smaller. Order four of them to feel more at home.

Cactus: The only Mexican restaurant in Armenia...and it's actually good!

KFC: There is no, I repeat, no American fast food chains in Armenia. Very soon that will change with the arrival of a KFC partnering with Rostik's, the Russian chicken chain. Can you believe the Colonel sold his secret recipe to the Russians? Who in a thousand years would have thought he was a double agent?

Say what? While having lunch in a restaurant, I was eavesdropping on people heavily involved in a business conversation. Right about that moment, one of them actually said, "I could get a job eavesdropping on people's business conversations." Then she began to talk about Dr. Laura Schlessinger. When there was a lull in their conversation, I said, "I'm not in the business of eavesdropping on people's business conversations, but I once briefly worked for Dr. Laura, and I have a friend who also did for a couple of years." I educated this woman about the following:

Dr. Laura has a reputation for being a terrible person to work for.

Dr. Laura didn't speak to her mother until the day she died.

Dr. Laura once infuriated homosexuals with extremely insulting remarks.

Dr. Laura has racy pictures from her youth all over the Internet.

Generosity goes a long way: At one restaurant, two very cool dudes came in, sat next to me at the bar, and bought my dinner and countless rounds of drinks. I don't think that's ever happened to me before, but I hope it happens again.

Wordsmith: I met an Armenian woman with an incredibly large English vocabulary. She read the dictionary for fun and taught me the word "inexpugnable." I, in return, taught her "ubiquitous" and "tatas".

WhereisLarry highly recommends the beautifully researched Stone Garden Guide to Armenia and Karabagh

Statue of Alexander Tamanian, the man who designed Yerevan's city plan.
The Cascade is in the background. A museum is being built near the top.