KALININGRAD

FEBRUARY 2007


Cosmonaut Memorial: Three cosmonauts grew up in Kaliningrad, including
Alexei Leonov, who in 1965 became the first man to walk in space

Kaliningrad: is a small, separate portion of Russia located 200 miles away from the border of the rest of Russia. Before World War II, it belonged to Germany and was known as Königsberg; after the war it was handed over to the Soviet Union. Since 2004, its land borders have only been with European Union nations. Lithuania is to the north and east; Poland is to the south. This is precisely the type of thing that keeps Russian president Vladimir Putin up at night, but he need not worry. Kaliningrad is so obviously Russian, and there's not a whisper of revolution or separatism in the air. After all, who has time for that? Everyone's too busy spending money and looking good.

Geography fans: Did you know Kaliningrad is an oblast, a region, an enclave, an exclave, and a city?

  • Oblast: The Russian word for region. It's similar to a state.

  • Enclave: The New York Times always uses this word used to describe Kaliningrad, but according to Wikipedia, an enclave must be completely surrounded by another nation's territory -- like the way Lesotho is completely surrounded by South Africa, or on a more familiar level, like the way Beverly Hills is surrounded by Los Angeles.

  • Exclave: The Wikipedia word used to describe Kaliningrad. According to Wikipedia, "Kaliningrad is an exclave of Russia, not an enclave because it is surrounded not by one state, but by two: Lithuania and Poland; it also borders the Baltic Sea."

  • City: The city of Kaliningrad is the largest city in the oblast/region/enclave/exclave of Kaliningrad. Got it?

    Kaliningrad in the news:

    Cozy Casino Corner: The Russian government designated Kaliningrad as one of four authorized casino zones. The restrictions are intended to stop the proliferation of legal gambling across Russia, especially in big cities. Existing casinos would have to begin closing by next summer, but the largest could continue to operate until 2009 (New York Times). So, is Kaliningrad going to become what some are calling "The Hong Kong of Russia?" If that's true, there's a long, long way to go.

    Tricky Transit Travel Troubles Trimmed: In July 2003, Lithuania enacted new travel rules for Russian citizens crossing its territory by train and car to and from Kaliningrad. This was the end result of long, painful negotiations among the European Union, Lithuania and Russia. There had been discussion of a high-speed rail line, but the price of building it couldn't be justified. Now, Russians use "facilitated travel documents," which are cheaper and issued more quickly than visas, but it's still essentially a transit visa. Now if we could resolve the same issue with the West Bank and Gaza Strip, that would be a major accomplishment.

    Putin's Pretty Pissed! On February 10, 2007, President Vladimir Putin went off on an anti-American tirade at the Conference on Security Policy in Munich. "The United States has overstepped its national borders in every way," he barked. "This is extremely dangerous." Putin is also concerned about U.S. plans to build a missile-defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic. I guess it never occurred to him that if some lunatic launched a missile at Moscow, the U.S. would do everything humanly possible to shoot it down way before he had a chance to scream Помогите! We're partners, Vlad. Relax.

    Why tourists don't go to Kaliningrad:

  • Russia does everything humanly possible to discourage tourism with its Byzantine entry requirements. Visitors must obtain a Letter of Invitation (LOI) and a visa. The LOI is generally obtained through a Russian travel agency. During my travels in this part of the world, I've received many "invitations." Strangely, for some reason, I've yet to meet my "inviter"...if you know what I mean.

  • If you are willing to go through the effort of getting a single-entry visa, why would you come here instead of Moscow or St. Petersburg? Yeah, you could fly from Moscow to Kaliningrad, but it just doesn't seem worth the trouble and expense.

  • There are few direct flights from Europe, and they aren't exactly bargains. It takes a good deal of time, money, and dedication to get here. In the end, it's probably more worthwhile to go elsewhere.

    Why tourists should go to Kaliningrad:

  • You'll have it all to yourself, and the place is rather interesting.

  • You can always tell people, even Russians, "I've been to Kaliningrad," and watch the look on their face.

  • It's a great place to find a wife.

    When will tourists go to Kaliningrad?

  • When Russia finally eliminates the Letter of Invitation (LOI) and visa requirements -- even if specifically for Kaliningrad and not the rest of Russia. Don't expect this to happen anytime soon; it's just not their style.

  • When easyJet, RyanAir, Wizz Air or some other budget airline introduces incredibly cheap, non-stop flights from Western Europe. Supposedly, they are coming soon, but I'll believe it when I see it.

  • When Western nations waive visa requirements for mail-order brides.

    Logistics, Logistics, Logistics:

  • There was a large amount of difficulty making a hotel reservation from the USA. It involved sending faxes at specific times of the day, and waiting for a response by fax. Mind you, I was dealing with one of the top hotels in the city.

  • Before arrival, I was moved from one hotel to another without being informed and without explanation. In fact, the only reason I even knew this had happened is because I had a Russian woman call the hotel to reconfirm the reservation.

  • The flight from Warsaw took one hour and fifteen minutes on LOT Airlines. I fully expected an uncomfortable, turbulent ride on a rusty plane LOT dragged out of retirement. Not so. The plane was definitely on the new side, and the flight was as comfortable and smooth as anyone could hope for.

  • Much to my amazement, immigration and customs were quite painless. I was expecting the Turkmenistan-style process, but blessfully it never materialized.

  • My hotel promised visa support; I never got it. My hotel promised a ride from the airport; I never got it. There was very little activity at the airport, and I consider myself pretty fortunate to have found a "taxi" available to take me to the city center (24 kilometers/15 miles) for US$30.

  • Maps of the city are impossible to find in the United States, and the few available on the Internet aren't very helpful. However, the selection and detail of Kaliningrad maps is quite amazing once you're actually there.

  • At the train station, all train tickets and clocks are on Moscow time, which is one hour ahead of Kaliningrad time. So if your train leaves at 10:00 am, the ticket will say 11:00 am and all the clocks in the station will also say 11:00am. Why? I don't know. Maybe the central government wants to remind everyone who's in charge.

    My Opinion about Kaliningrad:

    First of all, let me say that good, up-to-date information about Kaliningrad is really hard to come by. The 700-page Lonely Planet Russia and Belarus paperback has less than ten pages dedicated to the entire region, and eight are for the city. The Bradt Guide to Baltic Capitals is much newer (2006) and does a far better job, but it still left me wanting more. Even In Your Pocket, which publishes incredible guides in over 50 cities in Central and Eastern Europe has only an online edition for Kaliningrad, and a remarkably bad one at that. Believe it or not, there is probably more information about Kaliningrad on this page than most other sources on the Internet.

    Sure, the city has a dreary sounding name and a not-so-pleasant reputation...

    It’s fair to say no other part of Eastern Europe
    manages to court as much negative press as Kaliningrad.
    Dubbed a 'corridor of crime,' it's perhaps better known
    for AIDS epidemics, drug plagues, pollution, and bleak
    tower blocks. Amazingly, though, there is a life beyond
    the horror stories.     -- Kaliningrad In Your Pocket

    Well, I've always believed that negative press and reality are often two different worlds. First of all, the air quality here is perfectly acceptable. Bleak tower blocks? That's true in all ex-Soviet cities, but in the heart of central Kaliningrad? No way! AIDS and drugs? Not unless you travel in those circles. Crime? You want to see crime, I'll take you to Caracas, Venezuela and start my stopwatch. The only social problems I witnessed here were three people drinking in public, two broken bottles on the street, and one homeless woman going through the trash.

    The city of Kaliningrad was a wonderful surprise. The streets were bustling with activity, and everyone (under 30 anyway) was visibly confident and well dressed. My only question is, where in God's name do all these people get their money? The furniture and fishing industries? Huge investments by Germany, Belgium, and the EU? Oil extraction? Organized crime? Who knows? Who cares?

    I was all but ignored by everyone in my path, unlike in Afghanistan where men would stop me on the street and plead with me to come have tea with them and talk. Maybe it's because I blended in with my white skin, or maybe people just don't give a shit about foreigners. Either way, this is one homogeneous place. I'm talking 100% Russian. A minority sighting here would be front page news. The few tourists are mostly Germans who apparently have some kind of sentimental thing going on because of the area's history.

    For those who've traveled to a lot of so-called cheap destinations, Kaliningrad seems a lot more expensive than it should be. I came here expecting prices to be noticeably lower than at home, because that's the way it usually is in similar places. Price gouging is a problem too. The surly, young blonde woman working in the restaurant of my hotel wanted to charge 500 rubles (US$20) for a 200 ruble (US$8) breakfast. She had some set of brass balls, because the receptionist at the front desk clearly said it was 200 rubles, and the sign in the restaurant (see picture below) announces it with zero ambiguity.

    The downtown area is a girl-watcher's gold mine. Everywhere you look is an overabundance of young, breathtaking, fashionable woman. If you are an American loser who can't get laid in your home country (speaking from experience of course ha ha!), get your ass here as quickly as possible.

    "All the young women speak English. It's their only hope," a German man I met in an elevator said with a grin. "All the men do is drink and beat them."

    Actually, it appeared that most people, young or old, didn't speak any English. A woman I talked to in the Central Market struggled to express herself -- and she was an English teacher.

    And also...

  • Only one person was spotted walking a dog

  • The younger women were energetic and attractive; the older women were fat, frumpy, and grumpy

  • The younger shopped at the shiny, new, four-story mall; the older shopped at the Central Market

  • Here's something you never would expect. There are crosswalks for pedestrians, and cars actually stop at them to let you cross the street.

  • Directly across from my hotel room was a large, orange building. At night, almost none of the lights were on. One of the few illuminated rooms was across from my room. How pleasant it was to have an unobstructed view of an older man sleeping in his tightie-whities.

    Kaliningrad in the words of another traveler who's been there:

    "There is a lot of vitality in the city, and there is a big difference between the young and old. The young had an air of optimism and enthusiasm. They are flaunting their sexuality and embracing European fashion. The old seemed weary."

    "The hardest part is the nearly total use of the Cyrillic alphabet. Very few people spoke a paragraph of English. You need a tour guide or a rudimentary knowledge of Russian."

    "It's a cultural experience. If you keep your eyes and mind open, you will have a richly rewarding experience unlike any in Western Europe."

    Hey, guys, the Cold War is over! I love Russia, there are just times they are so Russian it's kind of silly. Obviously there was the usual bureaucratic nonsense, but here are some other examples.

  • At the airport in Poland, within moments of stepping on the shuttle bus from the gate to the plane, a Russian man initiated a discussion. He was mystified as to why I would want to go to Kaliningrad, especially in the middle of winter. I can see his point, but it wasn't necessary to directly accuse me of going for reasons other than tourism.

  • I was having a discussion in my room about a map I purchased and really liked a lot. I was particularly pleased with how much detail it had, and how nice it would be to see it available on the Internet. When I returned from breakfast the following morning, the map had disappeared; I purchased another.

  • Sitting in the lobby by the entrance to the hotel were three ordinary men. Since they were next to a no-smoking sign, I assumed they were having their weekly gathering of "The Non-smoking Club." Maybe there was more to it. According to Kaliningrad in Your Pocket, "Characteristically, you will find three nondescript men hanging out in the lobby. Their function remains a mystery, and they will not bother you unless you are overly rowdy or in some other way disturbing the peace."

    I suppose in a country where bribery and corruption are considered a method of doing business, these things are to be expected. However, I'll stand with U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates when he responded to Putin's recent tirade by calmly stating, "One Cold War was quite enough."

    Going from Kaliningrad to Gdansk (Poland) by train: Leaving Russia is easy; they stamp your passport and you're done. On the other hand, the Polish authorities put a healthy amount of time into looking for contraband and using mirrors to check behind every nook and cranny on the train. Expect at least an hour to cross the border. You won't be bored though. The televisions on the train showed a couple of atrocious Russian movies and portions of VH1's "Top 100 Worst Videos Ever" which included:

  • Ottawan "D.I.S.C.O." (1980) I don't remember it. Do you?
  • ABBA "Head over Heels" (1981) Not one of their better known songs.
  • Devine "Walk like a Man" (1985) Also qualifies for "Worst Remake Ever."

    The same DVD contained other random videos of songs I guarantee you do not know:

  • Afric Simone "Hafanana" (circa late 70's/early 80's) Kinda catchy.
  • Sabrina Salerno "Boys" (1988) Should be called "Breasts."
  • Joy "Touch by Touch" (1985) Ordinary.

    Note: All of these videos are available on YouTube, but I didn't provide links, because they're regularly removed for "Terms of Service Violations"


    USA Today shows the boundaries of Kaliningrad on its
    European weather report, but it is not identified.



    The Cathedral of Christ the Savior, a Russian Orthodox
    Cathedral, is in Kaliningrad's main square and opened in 2006



    Kaliningrad's Central Market



    Fighting Bulls statue



    The House of Soviets replaced Königsberg Castle and is sometimes called
    "the ugliest building on Russian soil." Unfortunately, they built this 22-story
    structure over an area filled with underground tunnels. The H-shaped building
    started to collapse, and today it stands completely devoid of human activity.



    The Königsberg Cathedral was destroyed during WWII and restored in the 1990's.



    Amber plates at the Amber Museum. About 90% of the world's
    extractable amber is located in the Kaliningrad region of Russia



    Food line at the delicious but colossally overpriced Solyanka Restaurant (Prospekt Mira 24)
    Do you believe that a plate of this slop costs about US$14?
    Sounds like they've added the dreaded CFS: "Clueless Foreigner Surcharge."



    Some Kaliningrad streetcars are decorated with colorful advertisements



    Girls who are friends often walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm



    Preparing for the Testosterone Olympics to be hosted by Kaliningrad sometime next century



    Unlike the Discovery store, the Disco Very
    store does not carry science-related merchandise



    This breakfast buffet gives you reason to rise and shine



    How about simply, "Never give the toy to children?"



    Please say the following in your best Russian accent:
    "Forget this life. Come with me. Don't look
    back. You're safe now. No once left to stop you"



    It looks like Vladimir Putin was right. The United States has overstepped its national
    borders in every way. We've even infiltrated the clothing shops of Kaliningrad.



    The envy of all his friends at the Kaliningrad Zoopark. Now you know
    where the expression "hung like a horse" comes from!