I know this all seems kind of shady, but most of these people are all right. Just watch out for anyone who is breathing down your neck the moment you step of the bus. Anyone who won't take "no" for an answer, should get "no" for an answer. For me, these people were very helpful. My time is running short, and they saved me a ton of legwork. I tipped everyone along the way; you should too.

How to Play "Random Bus"

I've been playing this game for years. Give it a try sometime!

1. Wait at any bus top
2. Get on any bus
3. Take it as far as you can
4. Turn around and come back

Warning: Bus may go to very undesirable neighborhood, leave you stranded, or both. Hatsofftolarry.com a.k.a. whereislarry.com is not responsible for personal injury or any other inconvenience as a result of playing "Hotel Tag" or "Random Bus."

In Peru:

Puno: Peru's gateway to their side of Lake Titicaca. I didn't spend much time here. Just got some money, a good meal, and talked to a couple of local drunks at a bar with really bad live music.

Bus from Puno to Cusco: The tourist bus is definitely the way to go, because it stops at some of the interesting sights along the way. They also have an English guide on board and include a pretty decent lunch. Some of the photo stops are in the pictures below (e.g. Pucará, Abra La Raya, the Raqchi Ruins, and the Jesuit church in Andahuaylillas).

Cusco: This is the nearest city to Machu Picchu. Plenty of locals, plenty of tourists, plenty of services. For anyone wanting to visit Machu Picchu without slumming through Peru by land, you'll be pleased to know there is an international airport here. From Cusco, it's a four-hour train ride to the town of Aguas Calientes, then a short hop up the hill to Machu Picchu.

I'll always remember Cusco fondly, because I met some 12-year-old girl named Janet, or Julie, or Jenny, or something starting with a "J." Anyway, to make a long story short, she somehow talked me into buying finger puppets from her, even though I said no like a thousand times. The next day she spotted me again and talked me into buying her chicken for lunch. Either I'm a gullible schmuck or she is one presistent, conniving street-urchin. Probably a bit of both.

Machu Picchu: How tired I am of hearing people talk about it. Yes, it's the main reason people travel to Peru. Yes, it's one of the main reasons people travel to South America. Yes, it's worth the trip. Be warned: apparently, you're just not cool unless you take the four-day hike along the Inca trail to get to the site...and what makes you really cool is that you pay some local slug to carry all your gear for you and cook your meals. Now that's hiking, man!

Here's all you really need to know about Machu Picchu:

Aguas Calientes: is the small, extremely touristy town where you catch the bus up the hill to enter Machu Picchu. I'd like to say hello to the attractive, naked girl who forgot to lock the bathroom door at my hotel. It was a shared bathroom, and when I went to take a leak, I opened the door and there she was. And I never got her name.

And Also:

Bus from Cusco to Nazca: 14 hours over the Andes Mountains. I generally don't scare easy, but this was an indescribably awful bus ride. Basically, the entire trip was filled with sharp, winding roads, negotiated by a maniacal driver who took every turn at the highest possible speed while passing every car, bus, and truck without a worry in the world. All of this in addition to flimsy (or unavailable) guardrails, steeeeep cliffs, occasional fog, and a kid sitting across from me who barfed in his lap. Everytime I fell asleep, I kept dreaming I was a marble in a box. I wish someone had warned me about this ride; I would have taken a plane. I met another traveler who told me that he went to the drug store and bought some valium (yes, it's legal) to knock himself out for the whole thing. Smart guy.

Also on that ride, the bus pulled over so the attendant could give the trash to the dogs on the side of the road. That, in itself, was quite a loving gesture, but this particular stretch of road looked like it had about 10,000 trips-worth of trash on it. Come on, Peru! Not cool! And don't give me the "cultural difference" speech either. This isn't Albania.

Nazca: There is absolutely nothing to say about the town itself, except it is where you catch a plane to see the peculiar Nazca Lines.

Nazca Lines: Here's another one for the "World's Greatest Mysteries" category. It is believed that the Nazca Indians carved these lines into the desert. Some of the lines are animals, some are trapezoids, and some are just plain old...lines. Why are they there? Who knows! Theories range from a plea to convince the Water Gods to bring rain...to good, old fashoined alien involvement. The only way you can really see them is from the air. The single-engine plane ride will run you about US$50-$75. Some of the figures are much easier to see than others, and taking pictures of them is not an easy thing to do. The trick is to snap as many as possible and use the zoom!

Lima: This place is crazy busy. If you don't get run over by a bus, the noise pollution is sure to kill you. The hundreds of people selling frozen juice pops continually tap on the glass covers of their mini-coolers with coins. Unbelievably annoying.

Thanks to my loyal friend, Debbie, for pointing out that Paddington Bear was from Peru. To the best of my knowledge, there is no "Home for Retired Bears" in Lima, but there is "Pizza Street" in Miraflores, a place where well-proportioned girls with tight shirts try to lure you into any one of about 25 pizza restaurants.

Trujillo: This city in the north is pure Peru. With only a handful of foreigners here, it's a great way to experience a Peruvian city without fending off hustlers trying to sell you a tour. If you really like it here, I saw condos for sale starting at US$21,000. Just bear in mind there are no American fast food restaurants; I verified this with the tourist information office.

Need High-Speed??

Scene: A random street in Lima. A man is holding a sign that says "Internet"

Man (looking toward me): "Internet? Telefono?"

Me: No, gracias.

Man (whispering): "Smoke? Sniff?

Me: Huh???

Here’s some stuff you don’t see very often:

Backpacking with Baby: That's right! They were one of those couples that said "Nothing in our lives will change after we have a baby...we'll just do everything with the baby!! God bless them for being true to their word. God damn them for bringing that screaming brat into one of the nicest restaurants in Puno.

Kissing Couple: Nothing unusual about this except that they were in their sixties and making out like teenagers. I have no issue with that; it's just something you don't see very often. Maybe they were all worked up because they were on their way to Machu Picchu.

Man Carrying Dead Animal on his Back: Again, nothing unusual about this -- except the animal appeared to be a large, recently-skinned cow.

Walking Trees: Look along the highway for people carrying so much shrubbery strapped to them, it appears as if they are a walking tree.

The Language of Horn Honking: The honking of a vehicle's horn is only one sound, but it can mean many different things. (Thanks to Elin from Wales for the idea)