KAZAKHSTAN

JANUARY 2007


The ominous War Memorial represents the 28 soldiers of an Almaty infantry unit who died
fighting off Nazi tanks in a village on the outskirts of Moscow in 1941 (Lonely Planet)

Kazakhstan: I think it's fair to say that up until the release of the movie "Borat", few people in the United States even knew this country existed. That's kind of a disappointment considering it's the ninth largest country (in area) in the world -- equal in size to all of Western Europe. Oil income has done wonders for the economy, and the largest city, Almaty, is considered by many to be one of the better cities in Central Asia. Kazakhstan shows its support for the war in Iraq by contributing about two dozen military engineers.

The Good News: Kazakhstan has vast mineral resources and enormous economic potential. Kazakhstan's ambassador to the UK, Erlan Idrissov, calls his country an "increasingly modern, prosperous, secular state." Ethnically, the country is diverse. Kazakhs, Russians and smaller minorities of Ukrainians, Germans, Chechens, Kurds, Koreans and Central Asian ethnic groups generally live in harmony. (BBC News)

More Good News! A Spoonful of Iodine: In 1999, only 29 percent of Kazakhstan's households were using iodized salt. Now 94 percent are. Iodized salt prevents brain damage in infants, and studies show that iodine deficiency is the leading preventable cause of mental retardation. (NY Times)

But how did they do it?

  • By handing out comic strips starring Iodine Man, a hooded crusader who rescued a slow-witted student from an enraged teacher

  • A female volunteer rerecorded a bus company's "next-stop" announcements interspersed with short plugs for iodized salt. "She had a very sexy voice, and men would tell the drivers to play it again," said Valentina Sivryukova, president of the National Confederation of Kazakh Charities.

  • Anatoly Karpov, the former world chess champion joined the fight. "Eat iodized salt," he advised schoolchildren in a television appearance, "and you will grow up to be grandmasters like me."

    The Bad News: Poverty is still widespread and Kazakhstan continues to face major economic challenges, particularly with unemployment and inflation. The people of Kazakhstan also have to live with the aftermath of Soviet-era nuclear testing and toxic waste dumping and with increasing drug addiction and a growing incidence of HIV/AIDS. (BBC News)

    More Bad News! The Aral Sea Catastrophe: Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan share what was once the world's fourth largest sea. Not any more. The sea has shrunk and split into two parts mostly as a result of a Soviet-sponsored irrigation project that diverted the two rivers feeding the sea. On the upside, there are new tourist attractions -- abandoned ships. Wouldn't that be a great place for a wedding party?

    "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"

    Banned here and in Russia, this film is either outrageously funny or outrageously offensive, depending whom you ask. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle, but I'm probably not the right person to talk to. You are reading the words of the rare American who has visited Kazakhstan but never seen the movie, rather than the other way around.

    There is almost nothing, in short, remotely truthful in the satiric
    depiction of Kazakhstan popularized by Sacha Baron Cohen, the British comedian
    who plays a bumbling, boorish, anti-Semitic, homophobic and misogynistic
    Kazakh television reporter named Borat Sagdiyev     -- New York Times

    Some Examples of Borat's Fictional Kazakhstan:

  • The annual "Running of the Jews" festival

  • Horse urine as the nation's national beverage

  • Being able to buy a Kazakh bride for 15 gallons of pesticide

  • The greeting Jagshemash is not a Kazakh word. It's sounds like the Polish greeting Jak sie masz which means, "Hello, how are you."

  • On posters for the movie, the word BORAT is spelled BORДT. In the Cyrillic alphabet, the letter Д is the letter D so the poster really says BORDT

    In fact, the only fact in the entire movie is the geographic location of Kazakhstan.

    Presidential Reaction: Kazakhstan's president Nursultan Nazarbayev is not known for his tolerance of public criticism, but some extremely wise staff member must have told him there was only one way to spin this potential public relations nightmare. While visiting the UK last November for talks with Prime Minister Tony Blair, he was asked for his opinion of the movie. Here are some quotes from his response...

  • "Any publicity is good publicity. The film was created by a comedian, so let's laugh at it. That's my attitude."

  • "Maybe the journalist himself, Mr. Borat Sagdiyev, is here at the moment representing Kazakhstan. I would very much like to speak to him if he is!"

  • "It's well known that Mr. Sacha Baron Cohen has never been to Kazakhstan."

  • "The film wasn't made in Kazakhstan; it was made in impoverished parts of Romania. The role of Kazakhs there is played by impoverished gypsies from that part of the world."

  • "The role of a drunken Kazakh was played by an American student, I believe. All of them I think are now taking him to court."

  • "I think the very fact that you have put that question means you will want to come to Kazakhstan and learn more for yourselves, and I invite you to do so."

    NOTE: The Kazakh scenes were actually shot in and around the Romanian village of Glod -- the word for "mud". The villagers have sued alleging they were underpaid and deceived into believing the movie would be a documentary about their hardship, rather than a comedy mocking their poverty and isolation. They want $30 million and a reedit of the film to cast Glod/Mud in a better light. Stay tuned.

    NOTE: Two South Carolina fraternity brothers sued 20th Century Fox on November 9, claiming they were plied with alcohol and tricked into making racist and sexist remarks to Borat during the filming of the movie. One month later, the case was tossed out of court.

    The "Borat Bounce" in Tourism:

    Kazakhstan could have the last laugh as it prepares to cash
    in on its first invasion of tourists     -- The Times of London

  • American and British travel agents said there had been a sharp increase in inquiries since the film was released

  • Hotels.com reported a 300% increase in web searches for accommodation in the capital Astana

  • Travelex, the UK-based foreign exchange specialist, has ordered one million US$ in tenge, the Kazakhstan currency

  • The Kazakhstan embassy in Washington said it was receiving 100 calls a week seeking advice on how to visit the country

  • A Los Angeles travel agent reported that some clients were genuinely upset when they found out that the "Running of the Jews" did not actually exist

    Just for the record, The "Borat" idea is not exactly an original one. I wholeheartedly agree with the following:

    I wish Cohen had instead invented a country like Molvania,
    the subject of the hilarious Jetlag Travel Guide published
    two years ago. The basic riff is the same as Cohen's -- a visit to an
    impoverished hellhole of a country that used to be part of the Soviet Union.
    Molvania is 'A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry,' blessed
    with a form of folk music that is unique because of its "emphasis
    on volume over melody."     -- New York Times columnist John Tierney

    Genuine Tourist Attractions in Kazakhstan: (More thanks to the Times of London)

  • The Singing Sands near Almaty are described by guides as a "miracle of nature" because they sound like a jet aircraft -- not necessarily a big draw for a western visitor who has just spent many hours on a real jet

  • Visit the site of Yuri Gagarin's 1961 space launch at the Baikonur Cosmodrome in central Kazakhstan. He was the first human in space and the first human to orbit the Earth.

  • Relive the great Russian writer Dostoevsky's exile at his hovel in the remote city of Semipalatinsk

  • Brave gale-force winds to skate on the world's highest outdoor ice rink (5,500 ft. above sea level) near Almaty

  • Enjoy a traditional Kazakh dinner party where the highest ranking guest is served a sheep's head and the least important gets the cervical vertebra

    My Experience in Kazakhstan: I took a minibus from Bishkek to Almaty. It was a beautiful mountainous ride that took almost six hours -- at least two of which were spent crossing from Kyrgyzstan to Kazakhstan. I walked through both immigration posts then watched my minibus get detoured to the back of the Kazakh building. Bags were searched. Then everybody had to walk a second time through Kazakh immigration. Bags were searched again; nobody had any contraband.

    At the one restroom stop we made along the way, a man who was on my bus saw I didn't have small change for the toilet, so he gave me the money. The guy looked like he was rather poor but was obviously happy he helped.

    So I arrive in Almaty at this depressing dive known as the Sayran Bus Station. No taxis in sight. In this part of the world anyone with a car (or something resembling a car) is a taxi driver. A ferret could be a taxi driver if she owned a car. Nobody cares. Great, huh? I walk out to the main road and within a couple minutes a hyper, young man walks up to me and says "taxi!"

    I'm an adventurous guy, so I thought, "Yeah, why not?" I showed him the name of the hotel and the address. He had no idea where it was, and he wanted an obscene amount of money to take me there. I got the price down by one-third. His car wouldn't start. He popped the hood, got out, and started puttering around. I had to turn the key to start the taxi for my overpriced ride from a driver with absolutely no sense of direction.

    When we got to one of the main streets in town (Abalay Khan), I noticed some old women standing at various points in the road with signs. They were advertising apartments for rent. I paid Mr. Shitbox his money and went to work. The first thing I learned is that Almaty is colossally overpriced. I am a budget traveler/backpacker, so when I see a room that costs US$50, and it should be US$20, I get really annoyed.

    I eventually settled on some dark, creepy, tenement-style apartment for US$30. In any other Central Asian city this place would have been maybe US$12. As dark and filthy as this place was, it did have one amazing feature -- a working television set with a couple dozen channels, including one American cable channel. So to sit in the midst of a dump that resembled a drug den while watching Fox News Channel have a discussion about the verbal brawl between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump was quite surreal.

    Almaty is a terrible town to walk in. Distances are loooong. It got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I took a city bus to Ramstor shopping mall, the nicest in the city, found a legitimate taxi driver, and hired him for two hours to run all my errands and take me everywhere I wanted to go. Anytime he didn't understand me (which was most of the time) he would scream out the window to find someone to translate. He was a nice guy and was well paid for his efforts. His name -- I kid you not -- was Morat.

    Barakholka is a market/bazaar several miles west of Almaty. The taxi driver who took me there did something I'd never seen before. He got to a very busy "T" intersection and wanted to make a left turn, but a sign clearly indicated it was not allowed. So, he improvised by making a right turn, driving about 25 feet then making an abrupt U-turn thereby completing his prohibited left turn. I wonder if that's on the Kazakh driving test.

    How do you explain this? There is no McDonalds or Burger King in Almaty (see the substitutes in the pictures below), but you can get a delicious scoop of Baskin Robbins ice cream at their stand in the Ramstor food court. Also in the same food court is "Domino Donuts" with the same color scheme and font as Dunkin' Donuts. I dare say they were almost as good.

    Safe food to eat: Everything in Almaty is a rip-off. Familiar food is available, but believe me, it'll cost you. Here are a few places I tried, and they were all very good...

  • The American Bar and Grill is exactly what its name says. Home of the US$20 burrito.

  • PBC (or RVS in the Latin Alphabet): Worth the visit simply because it's got a cool theme -- delicious food with Soviet-era trinkets and propaganda decorating the joint. The irony is the service is really good. If they wanted to really be accurate, they should have had scowling, old, uncooperative waitresses who bark "no" whenever you ask a question.

  • Stetson: Having spent a good amount of time looking at the menu, I vote you stay away from the "Olives with Pits" "Horse-flesh made dish" and the "Salt Beef Sandwich" and instead opt for the "Kingly Salmon" "Chicken with Nushrooms" "Chile Con Corne" or the "Sandwich with BLT"


    The Zenkov Cathedral in Panfilov Park is made entirely
    of wood, and some say, without any nails



    A bit of Cuba in the heart of Almaty



    The Zhibek Zholy pedestrian mall is a good addition
    to this otherwise pedestrian-unfriendly city



    So that's what happened to The Three Stooges!



    Looks like it would make a great diner, but sadly it's yet another place selling cell phones



    Entrance to the classy Silk Way Shopping Center. On the second
    floor is an Internet cafe with an unbelievably fast connection



    The massive Barakholka flea market is worth a day in itself



    The PBC restaurant has good food and friendly service with a Soviet-era theme



    If you want fast food, then head to King Burger...



    ...or its competitor Mc Burger



    I counted at least 25 casinos in Almaty, and I suspect there are many more



    All the smiling cartoon teeth in the world will never make visits to the dentist enjoyable



    Ice skating rink in the middle of Ramstor



    The flag of Kazakhstan