TURKMENISTAN

FEBRUARY 2007


The Arch of Neutrality is topped by a gold-plated statue of "president for life" Turkmenbashi.
It rotates 360 degrees over 24 hours so it always faces the sun...even when it's cloudy.

Turkmenistan: You don't hear much about this country, but you probably should. Located strategically between Iran and Afghanistan, it's a mostly Sunni Muslim nation of five million people with the world's fifth largest natural gas reserves as well as substantial oil resources. Yet apparently Turkmenistan's greatest claim to fame is (or was) Saparmurat Niyazov, the egotistical "president for life" whose eternal term abruptly ended when heart failure felled him on December 21, 2006. An election took place on February 11, 2007. The new president, Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov (try pronouncing that one), is expected to stay the course but may throw a few crumbs to the obedient masses...

  • The Internet may finally become available to the general public
  • Students may be allowed to travel abroad
  • The education system may be improved
  • Possible development of private ownership and entrepreneurship
  • More doctors and hospitals

    Turkmenbashi the Great: Niyazov was the product of a tough childhood. His father died fighting against Nazi Germany in the Second World War. In 1948, his mother died in an earthquake that leveled Ashgabat, the capital city. He called himself "Turkmenbashi" meaning "Father of all Turkmen," and he used the country's natural gas wealth to fund his lavish lifestyle. The question is what is Deutsche Bank going to do with the US$1.68 billion dollars in his checking account? And for God's sake, who has the PIN for his ATM card?

    The Up Side: Want an interesting travel experience? Look no further. And truth be told, Turkmenistan has caused remarkably few problems in the world.

    The Down Side: Half the country lives in poverty and Turkmenistan has the highest infant mortality rate along with the lowest life expectancy in the region

    Cultural Differences: Here is a short (but by no means complete) list of some of Turkmenbashi's law of the land. This information was compiled from a wide variety of news sources on the Internet.

    Big Brother is Watching...

  • Ballet, opera, cinemas, the circus, and folk dance ensembles are all banned. "I do not understand ballet," was the explanation Niyazov gave for his decision to scrap that particular art form.

  • Forbidden: listening to car radios, lip-syncing, and playing recorded music on TV or at weddings

  • Video games are banned because they are too violent for young Turkmen to play

  • Young men may not have beards or long hair

  • Video monitors are required in all public places

  • Dogs are restricted from the capital city because of their "unappealing odor"

  • Hotel rooms and restaurants are routinely bugged

  • Foreigners are often followed by men in black suits

  • Internet activity is monitored

    Hot off the Press...

  • Niyazov was intolerant of criticism and allowed no political opposition or free media.

  • All rural libraries were ordered closed. The theory being that ordinary Turkmen do not read books.

  • News readers are prohibited from wearing make-up. Niyazov suggested he had trouble telling the men and women apart. He also believed that Turkmen women didn't need make-up since they were already beautiful enough.

  • Both Turkmen TV channels superimpose a golden profile of Turkmenbashi on the top-right corner of the screen.

    Doctor's Orders...

  • It's prohibited to mention any infectious diseases, including AIDS, cholera, tuberculosis, dysentery or the plague

  • 15,000 public health workers were replaced with military conscripts.

  • All hospitals outside Ashgabat were ordered shut, with the reasoning that the sick should come to the capital for treatment.

  • Physicians were ordered to swear an oath to the president, replacing the Hippocratic Oath.

  • Niyazov once said he was proud of having white teeth. On one occasion, he saw a student with gold dental crowns, which are considered a sign of prosperity and are highly popular in Muslim countries. "Young people should have strong and healthy teeth," Niyazov said, "like dog's teeth, to crack bones." After that, students and state officials were ordered to remove all gold dental work. Turkmen youth are also encouraged to chew on bones to preserve their teeth.

  • His ministers were forced to run uphill on a special 17-mile "path of health" near Ashgabat to keep fit.

    Presidential Tome...

  • Saying he was "inspired by God," Turkmenbashi wrote and published the 400-page Ruhnama (The Book of Spirit) which has been translated into some 30 languages, including Zulu. He describes the book as "the core of all my political, economic and life targets." Several government officials have compared its importance to that of the Bible and the Koran. Some Niyazov supporters call him the 13th prophet.

  • All licensed drivers are required to pass a morality test based on the Ruhnama.

  • Making jokes about the Ruhnama carries a five-year mandatory prison sentence

    It's all about me!

  • Every denomination of the local money bears Niyazov's portrait, as do local brands of vodka, tea and other commodities. His picture hangs on every public building

  • There are cities, villages, plants, farms, streets, schools, an airport and a meteorite named after him or his parents.

  • Kissing the president's ringed fingers were made compulsory, but Turkmenbashi said he was leery of praise. "Songs of praise make me want to sink through the floor," the dictator said, and even established a special award for TV reporters who praised him least of all. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets, but it's what the people want."

  • He ordered golden statues of himself to be set up in the main streets and squares of the capital, Ashgabat, and in the middle of the desert.

  • Atop the Neutrality Arch in the center of the capital is a gold-plated statue of Turkmenbashi with outstretched arms that always catch the sun as he rotates 360 degrees in a 24-hour period. Neutrality is the centerpiece of Turkmenbashi's simplistic foreign policy.

  • He has rewritten the calendar, renaming the month of January after himself to "Turkmenbashi." April is named for his mother, Gurbansoltan (also the word for bread). September became Ruhnama, the title of the large pink/lime green philosophy book mentioned above.

  • Turkmen teachers who failed to publish an article praising him would remain at a lower payscale or be fired from their jobs.

    What a drag it is getting old...

  • Niyazov stipulated what exactly it meant to be "old". Childhood lasted until 13, adolescence until 25, youth until 37. Old age, he insisted, did not begin until 85.

  • In January 2006, one-third of the country's elderly had their pensions discontinued, while another 200,000 had theirs reduced. Pensions received during the prior two years were ordered paid back to the state. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Turkmenistan strongly denied allegations that the cut in pensions resulted in the deaths of many elderly Turkmen, accusing foreign media outlets of spreading "deliberately perverted" information on the issue.

    A second chance...

  • In October 2006 Turkmenistan claimed to have set free 10,056 prisoners, including 253 foreign nationals from 11 countries on the Night of Omnipotence. Niyazov said, "Let this humane act on the part of the state serve strengthening truly moral values of the Turkmen society. Let the entire world know that there has never been a place for evil and violence on the blessed Turkmen soil."

    Adios, Turkmenbashi!

  • He underwent major heart surgery in 1997 and was told to quit smoking by his doctors. He later ordered all his government ministers to follow suit and banned smoking in public places.

  • He was buried in a mausoleum in his home village, Kipchak, where Niyazov built Central Asia's largest mosque, called "Spirit of Turkmenbashi," at a reported cost of more than US$100 million.

    Turkmenistan for Tourists:

  • Nearly all foreign journalists are prohibited from entering the country. Recent New York Times news stories were reported from Moscow and Almaty.

  • All tourists must be accompanied by a Turkmen guide at all times. All destinations must be listed in advance. All of the guide's expenses are incurred by the tourist.

  • Transit visas can be arranged for three to ten days depending on how lucky you are. With a transit visa, you may travel unaccompanied, but not wander off your obvious route.

  • Niyazov ordered the construction of an ice palace in one of the world's hottest deserts, and intended to spend $18 million on the construction of a desert zoo as a home for Antarctic penguins.

  • Ashgabat has more five-star hotels than London. There's a street in the capital with more than 20 five-star hotels in a row. Considering how few people are able to get tourist visas, hotels always seem to have more employees than guests.

    So you want to be a megalomaniac? Whether you liked him or not, you have to agree that Turkmenbashi truly mastered the art of dictatorship. He ran the show since the nation's independence in 1991 and never got harassed by the international community. Why? Because he understood some basic tenets of megalomania which all other like-minded leaders might want to chew, swallow, and digest...

    1. Never invade your neighbors (a good lesson for Iraq's Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, etc.)

    2. Forget the nuclear ambitions (a good lesson for North Korea's Kim Jong-Il and Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; a lesson learned by Libya's Muammar Qaddafi)

    3. Try to cooperate on the big things (e.g. terrorism) with America and it's allies, even if it's done well below the radar (a good lesson for Syria's Bashar Assad; a lesson learned by Egypt's Hosni Mubarak)

    But there are certainly those who have graduated from the Turkmenbashi School of Dictatorship:

  • Aleksandr Lukashenko (Belarus)
  • Than Shwe (Myanmar/Burma)
  • Robert Mugabe (Zimbabwe)

    My Experience in Turkmenistan:

    It's safe to say that I spent more time trying to get into Turkmenistan than I actually spent inside the country. From the moment I arrived in Central Asia, I began working on it. Everyone I asked about it said it was never going to happen. Here are some of the things I heard:

  • "We don't deal with the Turkmenistan embassy. You have to deal with them yourself"
  • "The country is completely closed to foreigners"
  • "With the death of Turkmenbashi, you don't stand a chance of getting in"
  • "With the election coming up, you don't stand a chance of getting in"
  • "They aren't issuing any visas until after the election"
  • "The borders are closed until after the election"
  • From a reputable, English-speaking Turkmenistan travel agent: "Not sure if your plans are realistic, in connection with the upcoming elections and holidays. No visas will be issued until February 21"
  • "You'll have to wait 14 days for permission from the government, and you might not get approved"
  • From the consular officer at a Turkmenistan embassy in a Central Asian country: "No!"

    T.C. suggested the consulates in Afghanistan might be my best bet. Once again, he was right.

    Here's what I had in my favor:

  • I had an outgoing plane ticket from the capital
  • I was leaving before the election
  • I had visas for five Central Asian countries in my passport

    My luck turned around. One of the consulates said it would not be a problem. I was issued a three-day transit visa for US$51. The good news: I could travel alone without a guide; the bad news: three days is obviously not enough time and does not necessarily translate into 72 hours. The first day is counted even if you enter the country at 11:59pm, and the third day is counted even if you leave the country at 12:01am. I concluded the only way I would be able to do what I needed to do was simply not to sleep at all.

    From Herat, Afghanistan, an Afghan-American took me on the 2 ½ hour ride to the Turkmenistan border. He had never driven the road before and insisted we not leave until the sun came up. The road was built by the Soviets during their war with Afghanistan and was ripped to shreds by their tanks. Many of them were still alongside the road gutted and abandoned.

    When we got to the border, my driver helped me exit the country. He asked the authorities if he could bring me to the other side but was not allowed. I paid him US$50 for the ride and bid him farewell. He looked really worried. I think he found it incomprehensable that I was going to walk alone with all my luggage over this rarely-used crossing. At the fence where my walk was to begin, we stood with a bunch of Afghan soldiers who also appeared a little concerned. "You don't need to worry," I reassured them. "I've crossed borders like this many, many times." As I walked away, the last thing my driver said to me was, "God bless America!"

    I walked for about ten minutes until I reached a tiny hut where two Turkmen soldiers were working. They looked very poor and very bored. I gave one of them some chocolate. The other politely checked my papers. I continued walking over a bridge passing two more soldiers. When I arrived at the main building, a young, English-speaking man came out and told me that I first needed to see "the doctor." As I walked over to see "the doctor," I thought to myself, "This might not be good."

    "The doctor" didn't look like much of a doctor at all. His office was pretty much empty except for a desk with a ledger on it. He never asked me any medical questions or conducted an examination. He just slowly wrote all my information in the ledger and sent me on my way. Maybe "doctor" means "paper-pusher" in the Turkmen language. I was just relieved he didn't shove a stethoscope up my back door.

    I returned to the immigration office. Young Turkmen Officer punched my information into a computer, then he said two words a world traveler never wants to hear: "visa problem." I knew in my heart there was no visa problem. The problem was with some idiot who didn't know how to do his job. I thought maybe someone couldn't spell my last name correctly or maybe confused my middle name with my last name (a common problem here) or any number of ridiculous things. "Visa problem" took nearly an hour to sort itself out.

    Then I had to go through customs which involved filling out papers that stated exactly how much money I had (in each currency) and what items I was bringing into (and ultimately taking out of) the country. They x-rayed my luggage, and I was told to pay a US$10 "entrance fee" (that somehow became US$11) at a window that was purportedly a bank. Afterwards, I returned to Young Turkmen Officer who gave me some papers I was told to carry at all times. He warned me that if I lost them, I was toast. Well, he didn't use the word "toast," but that was basically the message.

    Other than a handful of locals, I was the only person passing through this crossing, and it still took a few hours. All I can say is that once past the frustrating visa process and the confounding entry procedures, that was pretty much the worst of it.

    Moments before I was approved to enter the country, a shiny SUV pulled up with two men from the United States. One of them was rather high-level. We chatted for quite a while, and he offered me some food. They said if I waited long enough I could grab a ride with them, but I was pressed for time. I was hoping to make it to Ashgabat, the capital, but half the day was already lost. They helped me get a taxi to Mary, the third-largest city in the country.

    I arrived in Mary in the late-afternoon and checked into a nice, brand new hotel which was teeming with employees but had only two people staying there -- and I was one of them. The staff was really friendly. One of them videotaped me on his cell phone pleading with the government to ease up their entry rules and procedures.

    The next morning I hired a taxi to get me to Ashgabat. I left at 6:30am and arrived about noon. The driver hit pothole after pothole at full speed for five ½ straight hours. How he didn't blow a tire is a mystery to me. I checked into one of the nicest hotels in the city. I don't think many people were staying there either.

    Getting through the airport for departure wasn't as painful as I expected. The only issue was at the customs area where everybody on my flight had to pass through a single line. I thought the officials were unnecessarily harsh on the locals, but thankfully they weren't too harsh on me. While walking to the plane one man was singing "Istanbuuul, Istanbuuul." I can't say I blame him for being so excited about leaving, but I'm reasonably sure he won't be singing "Ashgabaaat, Ashgabaaat" when he returns.

    Some observations about Turkmenistan:

  • HALK WATAN BEYIK TURKMENBASHI is something you see on a lot of signs in Turkmenistan. It means something like "The Nation, The Motherland, The Great Turkmenbashi" Creepy, huh?

  • Plane Fares: Fly when you can, because plane fares are subsidized by the government. They cost about US$1. Taking a taxi, as I did, is not the least bit cost effective with airfares that low.

  • Exchange Rate: The official bank rate is US$1 = 5200 manat, but the black market rate is US$1 = 24,000 manat, a huge difference. Although changing money on the street is technically illegal, no one in their right mind would turn down a rate that good, especially since everyone accepts it as the going rate.

  • Checkpoints: I passed through more than a dozen checkpoints between the Afghanistan border and Ashgabat. Many of them required presenting my passport so the information could be handwritten into yet another ledger. Frankly, I would have preferred the government implant a tracking device in my skull upon arrival and extracting it upon departure. This way they could have killed two birds with one stone: always knowing my exact whereabouts while saving all that wasted ink and paper.

  • Follow the Foreigner? At both my hotels, I spotted a group of men in black suits sitting around the lobby seemingly for no purpose. Maybe I'm paranoid, but since there was no compelling reason for them to be there, my best guess is that they were checking up on me.

  • Aesthetic Ashgabat: The capital is a very beautiful, interesting city filled with enormous fountains and bizarre architecture. It's definitely one of the best post-Soviet cities I've come across. Turkmenbashi may have desperately needed a good psychiatrist, but his capital is one to be proud of for sure.

    Going home! It's never a good sign when you see the pilot of your plane with his window open yelling at a worker on the tarmac below. There is so much that goes on in this world that you could never get away with in the United States. That's a perfect example.

    The flight to Istanbul was uneventful. The perplexing sign about payment at Istanbul Airport's Starbucks was in exactly the same place I left it. The 10 ½ hour flight to New York was very long and very dull. It's always nice to come home to a country where the electricity is always on, the water is always running (and hot), and the food is tasty and fattening. As my Afghan-American driver said to me as I left his country, "God Bless America."


    As a self-declared George Washington, Turkmenbashi
    installed numerous gold-plated statues of himself...



    and placed his picture on the post office...



    and the train station...



    and the bus station...



    and named this plaza for himself: Turkmenbashi Square.
    The presidential palace is on the left. The Ruhyyet Palace has the blue domes.
    The photo is taken from the observation deck of the Arch of Neutrality



    Turkmenbashi is also on the Drama Theatre...



    and has parks in his honor...



    and the conservatory...



    and the national vodka. His picture is distorted because it is on the opposite
    side of the bottle and is seen through a clear opening in the front of the bottle.



    Oh, and I almost forgot, he's on all the money...



    and, of course, he's rotating atop the Arch of Neutrality...



    and his mother is rescuing a golden Turkmenbashi-baby on top of the Earthquake Memorial.



    Just a reminder who is responsible for the
    effort here, in case we didn't already know.



    It's easy to market your own book when everybody is required to read it.



    Turkmenbashi's Ruhnama includes Turkmenbashi's scripts of the Ruhnama



    Owned by Sheraton, the rooms at the Grand Turkmen Hotel are very
    affordable...most likely a result of the complete absence of tourism.



    The British Pub in Ashgabat has good food, a full bar, live
    music, and plenty of women to talk to -- but all at a cost.



    Don't worry, honey, better days are coming...or maybe not.



    The flag of Turkmenistan